11:37 PM 11/24/2010

More or less, I am crazy. Sometimes, I just stare blankly at space. Sometimes I manifest some very irrelevant flight of ideas. Most of the time, I can’t answer questions straight. I don’t really think it’s because I’m dumb.

I think it’s because I’m too affected by something so that I can’t concentrate on the present. I get so fixated on whatever that is that bothers me that I fail to respond effectively and appropriately to any stimuli. This thought disturbs me. I don’t really want to be “out-of-control” when it comes to my mood, my thoughts, and especially my emotions. I do want to be part of the present. I do want to recover from the past. I do want to search for my future somewhere else besides the bleak, uneventful, geeky stuff I have in mind most of the time.

My sister said this evening that people have different styles in fashion. I agree very much to that. I believe each one of us is unique. We have different characteristics and qualities that we may or may not be proud of. We tend to compare these characteristics and qualities with other people’s and end up feeling either proud or depressed of what we have or lack. We have our own principles and beliefs. We look at things in our point-of-view and have our own opinions on them. Our thoughts may complement another’s or it may just contrast their’s, but all the same, we want to be the better person, the better girlfriend/ boyfriend, the better child, the better student, the better version of everyone we’ve compared ourselves with.

I think it’s okay to want to be better. After all, there is always room for improvement in ourselves. But when the struggle to become better than someone or everyone is so dominating so that you spend countless hours on vanity, envy and insecure thoughts, the need to be better becomes greed, which can lead to a destruction of the self. The need to be better becomes a lost cause.

Always, the mind has to work persistently to control these thoughts. Counter everything with confidence in yourself and in your own capabilities. Understand the differences in people. Love yourself and what you have. Aim to improve only those that hinder you to become the best person you can be for yourself and others.

Most of all, break free from all the complications in life.

When everything else becomes difficult to understand, when every human interaction leads to an awkward pause, when all the optimism is gone and all that’s left is you, staring at blank space, fight. Fight to be in the present.

Fight to be in the know. Fight for your beliefs and adhere to your principles. Fight for yourself.

We cannot always allow ourselves to fall into that tempting abyss of leisure thinking. Our mind cannot just absorb; it also has to work.

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