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Bitter-Sweet Freedom

Fri, Aug 14, 2015 | Read in 3 minutes

I’m not sure if you’re watching, if you’re even reading this. But this one’s for you…

Technically, you’ve never done anything to hurt me. Inevitably, you still can. You belong to the past, an entity I will never be able to change, a fact I will always have to face.

I am Bitter. As such, I drink my own poison expecting you to die, to perish into the confines of a vacuum where you will never be heard of again in my mind. But that cannot happen because I am Bitter, because the only one who is dying between us is actually me.

I don’t like being called Bitter, but I guess that comes with the package. I don’t like me. I like you better. I wish I were named quite differently. But there’s nothing I can do about being me, about being Bitter.

Of all the qualities that I like about you, only a few belong to me. For this, I loathe you even more. I stare at you and your image and couldn’t help but admire and abhor you at the same time. You are simply too perfect for my taste… And I simply could not be more like you.

Don’t smile. Don’t even be happy for it feeds me of my own poison and it will never cure me of my current disease. Your achievements, your traits, you very being is a nuisance to my self-esteem. You never did anything to hurt me, and I hate you more for it. I wish you had done something to hurt me so I can finally have a valid reason to hate you, to avenge myself. But you’re still Sweet. You’re still strong. You’re still unbreakable. You’re still you.

But I have a solution. I will keep drinking my poison. I will consume all of it until I will be too weak and too fragile. Then, I will break into tiny pieces and dissolve into the air like I’d never been borne. Then I will be gone. I will stop being Bitter.

You think it is for your happiness that I chose to erase myself from existence?

Think again. While I was drinking my poison, I was thinking of all the qualities I wish I had but never did. As I tasted every bit of unpleasantry from my own vial of hate, I was forcefully feeding myself to accept who I am, every last bit of who I thought I was. It hurt me. It shrunk me into nothingness because that was what I had thought of myself. I was nothing.

But alas, from the ashes of my own dissolved state, I arose like a phoenix reborn and reincarnated. My Bitter identiy gone before me and but a past in my memory… just like you.

You could not possibly hurt me anymore now that I am alive again and Bitter is dead. I will not let you hurt me again. I am now my own self, not in contrast nor in comparison to you. I am just me. I will love myself more for it. More love towards myself than you could ever imagine! I will not let Bitter define me. I will not even let you define me. My being is indefinite and infinite because it doesn’t depend on anyone or anything else.

And just like that, I set myself free…

(Featured photo from Elijah Hail)