I challenged myself to post once a day every day for the month of May. My total posts goal was 31 and I managed 8 out of my intended 31 posts. I did it only for a week.
Surely, I had reasons. Surely, it was coincidence that I stopped posting on May 8, on a day commercially celebrated by many as Mothers Day. But I don’t think I’m going to be believing in coincidence anymore.
More than anything, my blog is the closest thing to truly personal communication for me. I’ve never spoken so deeply as I have written. I always think writing is not an experiment. It is expression. So then, how do I get enough guts to fail myself on a task that I supposedly love doing? How did I completely lose track of my time? It’s a story I’d be happy to tell.
- Lack of clarity and focus. I’ve often struggled with a lot of things about myself that I couldn’t quite put a name to. Some would say I have the all too common “shiny-object syndrome” or that I might be having a case of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. (Disorder. What a word, right? Although ADHD is a more serious case than shiny-object imho.) And I couldn’t quite figure out why just can’t finish anything nor why I could never come to terms with routines, processes, and systems so that my life could somehow make sense.
- Unhealthy time management. Lately, my body clock has been quite dysfunctional to say the least. I wake up in the afternoon. I sleep at daybreak. I make dinner during midnight. And overall, I feel as if I’ve ticked off all the criteria required for acquiring the infamous title of “Major Loser.” (At least I majored in something, right?)
- Incessant need to place blame. It never all made sense to me. I blamed my past but that has long gone. I blame my habits but it’s something I could change. I blame myself but I never change. And it bothers me how I can see that what I’m doing is wrong but am never able to change it. Never able to do things most people would. Never able to just stay normal.
Now, you may have wondered why I said I was “happy” to share this story. That’s because I’m glad I was able to point out the problem points in my life. It leaves more space for improvements. First problem: I lost track of time. How did I lose it? By: (1) lack of clarity and focus, (2) unhealthy time management, and (3) incessant needs to place blame on anyone or anything.
Laying out your problems doesn’t always have to be a painful task. Rather, it can help you find the answers to the questions you’ve been looking for for a long time. It can actually contribute to your growth rather than deter it. By laying out your problems, you know you have a chance to move on because you know what you’re going to be working on. The hardest part of a problem is not acknowledging it as a problem.
So, it’s clear to me what I have to do now. I don’t need to be bothered by the time I lost. It’s already gone. I have better things to do with my time now than sulk over it. I hope you find your problem points too in your work and in your life. Allow yourself to be frustrated and disappointed. Allow yourself to feel broken and abnormal, if that’s how you feel. But don’t stop there. Always, always recover. Nobody is in a better place to help you than you.