He couldn’t do anything else.
He just sat there seemingly frustrated by the vision before him: a sad, reckless girl with a messed mind and possibly perhaps a broken spirit.
I couldn’t do anything much neither. I was supposed to get up and face the day but my mind… was taking me to places I shouldn’t have been.
The sad ending was that I gave up that day.
I couldn’t get myself to appear anywhere else, much less in the washroom to prepare for the day.
I was one big, depressing mess.
But before that, I couldn’t say I didn’t do better.
I’ve been in this situation a number of times (more times than I wish to remember) and, each time, I would feel helpless.
He would ask, “what’s wrong? Aren’t you thinking about the future? Our plans?”
In my mind, I would answer, “yes, but I’m not thinking about that right now.” I couldn’t find- much less, give- a good answer that he would understand.
No one but a few would understand and, even if they did, they would still disapprove of what I was about to choose– which was to give up.
I gave up today because I couldn’t find the motivation and the courage to move. I gave up on myself because I knew I would be facing the same old routine, talking incoherently to the same old people who honestly didn’t give a damn about me.
I gave up because I didn’t feel human.
I was empty.
Emptiness is a sad feeling, if it is a feeling at all.
I couldn’t even cry, perhaps because I saw nothing to cry about just as I saw nothing to be happy about.
In my mind, I was the same girl who tried her best to live with what she could but would still stumble regularly because it was too much to take everything in without letting anything out.
I wish I were stronger, like the people you see in movies or the heroic individuals which stories are made of.
But I am simple, and yet complicated.
I wish I had grown up better or raised myself better. At least, I wish I’d taught myself to be more consistent and disciplined and to think of others before myself.
I thought of others too. That is my deepest sacrifice. But then sacrifice will always entail pain. When you think of others and you make sacrifices for them, there is no guarantee they will do the same for you, much less acknowledge you for it.
I have no regrets for the way my life’s story turned out. I became a mess because of my own choices. There might be millions more who suffer the same way I do– growing up with only themselves to count on and having everybody else count on them at the same time. Nobody said life was easy or fair.
No matter how strong I end up after my downfalls, I always go back to my downfalls. Is it because I was not really strong enough or I was never strong to begin with?
Truly. Spectacularly. The only reason I am still alive is because of others. I think of them too and, although I’ve decided to give up on myself a couple of times, I wouldn’t give up on them just as an ideal mother and an ideal father would not give up on their child.
At many points, I suffered because you can’t be strong for one and not have to give up another. You always have to make choices. There’s always someone who will matter the most and THAT is why I’m still alive.
But more than anything, I know (and I SHOULD know) that my faith has backed me up all the way from the beginning until now. I could not summon the courage to reiterate all my mistakes and past situations. I am not perhaps as fearless as I thought.
In the past, I would write for comfort. I would write and inspire myself through my own words. Yes, it would make me feel better and I am thankful for those moments.
Now, however, I would write and doubt even my own words.
I could not find the person I was yesterday anymore. It does that when you’re away from home. Home for me was not the house that I lived in, but the people I grew up with. Perhaps all this emptiness exists because I couldn’t see them or be with them now as much as I’d like to.
I had to be away because I thought of others, and I wanted them to live in a way that was much better than what I had experienced. But the drawback is that I have to face an empty life with strangers to deal with and foreign languages to understand.
I guess, in spite of the distance from those whom you truly love, you simply need to recognize love as it is. Though it may not be obvious, love is everywhere because love is love. Perhaps one only needs to acknowledge its presence wherever one goes because there is no other way to feel it and be secure.
People are so indifferent to the notion that there is a God who is with us. A God who saves. But I disagree with them, once and for all. God was with me when I was at home and God is still with me now that I am here.
In this planet of billions of people, many are empty and helpless, but others seek help and find it not from others, but from within themselves. That is how a strong person survives the emptiness- the hatred, the loneliness, the bitterness, and the negativity. They seek Faith. They seek God and they find Him because he never leaves His people. He loves. He is Love. With Him, there is no emptiness, only Love.
(Featured photo from Josh Felise)