Sometimes, I wonder if by any chance I might really have a shot at normalcy. You know: showing up to work at the same time everyday. Establishing a routine that everybody approves of. Doing stuff that will make people proud.
More often, I do the opposite and it bugs me a lot because I do want to change but my habits get in the way all the time.
I also tend to question my purpose for being here on earth almost every single minute of the day. It’s not because I tend to be blasphemous; I think I’m far from that. Whatever God has in store, I trust that it will be the best for me.
But you know, quarter-life crisis is real. When you wake up most days feeling like nothing else matters and questioning what you’re really here for, it’s not deliberate. It’s not overthinking. And it definitely is not something you can just snap your mind out off. I don’t know if it’s depression, but it’s definitely not a sign of a happy person.
And I get it. The past has its way of getting back at you even when it’s so far behind. But why now? Why at this stage of my life when I’m trying to decide on my own about what the rest of my life is going to look like? Why?
No matter how much I say that the past is past, it will never be less painful than it was. It will always have that same old perfect combination of heaviness around the general part where your heart should be and numbness in the entire area that is your body. It sucks.
No matter how much I say “move on”, every time I remember, I forget to move on even though I have. At some point, time has a way of forcing us to move forward and leave behind what should be left behind. We can think about the present all we want but we can’t erase the fact that we’ve been through something tough and not feel anything about it.
Yeah, yeah. But, Elaine, shouldn’t you accept the past?
Don’t get me wrong: I accept it like I accept that there is night and day. All I’m saying is: you can’t run away from your own memories. Unless you’ve got that same disease my grandma used to have where you don’t remember anything. In which case, I can’t decide whether it’s a blessing or otherwise (although in the case of my grandma—God bless her soul—it was a blessing).
I’m just tired of having to struggle with figuring out how to do things like a normal person would. Tired of listening to my own advice that says to just ‘keep calm’ when you’re incessantly wondering what the reason for life’s existence is.
I can’t keep calm any more and I won’t. If I want to overthink it, I sure damn will. Because overthinking will eventually get me tired and then I’ll be thinking about the next shiny object I see and that will be the end of my quarter-life crisis right then and there.
Of course, I will think about it again. But no pressure. After countless times of pondering, it will be like: darn, I think about this all the time, my mind has gotten used to it and now it seems just a little less interesting than it used to be.
I can’t believe I’m suggesting this but yeah, think about those “why am I here” thoughts all the time!
Eventually, you will find the answers when you’re not looking for them anyway. Just like when I try to find the keys. It works like a charm.