Hours and hours of diversion, no matter how entertaining, cannot really diminish pain. Time diminishes pain, but it is not a guarantee. There are no guarantees with anything in this world, except that of your life and your capability to love… that is for sure.
“To love and to love freely…“
That has always been my principle. I believe in that line. It became a source of hope for me. When you find someone whom you can love without restrictions and limits, you feel suddenly invincible. Indestructible. Yet still so fragile.
Fragile. As if any minute, you could just break because of an unkept promise. Fragile. As if any second, you will be reduced to nothing because of a single act that might mean more to you than it does to your partner. Fragile. As if any moment now, you would cry. Silently. To yourself. Because you feel betrayed even if you know you did all you could. And the world still turns. The sun still sets.
You remain in that solitude.
You battle yourself out and you become weary.
And yet, from outside, you are just one of those people with a sad story to tell. You are just one of the broken-hearted fools.
Twenty-four hours before today, I was a much happier person. I loved like I never had. I lived not anticipating any hurt. I tried to learn as much as I could. I tried to do more with my life. I tried to be better. I tried to think big, broader perspectives in which I drew out how I will be in the future.
Twenty-four hours after, I find myself half-listening to a church sermon on a Tuesday. I am desperate to be alone from this specific person, the same person I was in love with twenty-four hours ago. The same person I still love. The same person who makes me ask questions to no one in particular about why he keeps doing this to me. Over and over. And over.
And I think of the word “over” in itself… Is it all over because he keeps repeating his mistakes? Is it over because of his lies? Is it over because I now find it hard to believe in anything he says? Or is it over because of my pride?
I look at what I’m writing. I ponder and I think.
I think “over” isn’t always the answer. Maybe not for now. Maybe not ever. But it’s not a question of ending the relationship or not. I think it’s a question of the ability of both parties to compromise. Think of that person you love and ask yourself if you can still make it another twenty-four hours without him. Without thinking of him. Without feeling anything for him.
Twenty-four hours ago, twenty-four hours after… the world will still turn. Other people have moved on while others take too long. Other people have learned while others become stagnant.